It’s a fine line between getting to know someone and getting dumped in the dreaded “Friend Zone”. You know how it goes. You meet a hot girl and really hit it off. You’ve got a lot in common and start hanging out together after work or on the weekends. You’re totally hoping for more. She’s everything you want in a woman but so far, nada. Finally, after holding back for several months, you find the courage to tell her how you feel. She smiles at you sweetly and says, “we’re such good friends, I don’t want to spoil it”. Aaaarrgghh, let’s be honest, this kind of situation sucks and happens all too often.
You try to do the right thing. You form a relationship and build trust, but you reach the dead-end of the “Friend Zone” time after time. Does it always have to be this way? Are you destined for friendship and nothing more? Of course not. You’ve just got to learn why women keep putting you in the Friend Zone and figure out how to avoid it or break free. From personal experience and observing others, I believe there are two main reasons men repeatedly get assigned to the Friend Zone.
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NUMBER ONE – NO CHEMISTRY (You just don’t turn her on!).
In this scenario, no one is to blame, and it’s more about her than it is about you. There’s often no rhyme or reason when it comes to sexual attraction, and people can have surprising tastes. You might be super funny, handsome and have a body to die for, but if she’s into Dad bods or shy, geeky guys, she’s never going to be into you.
Now, perhaps she flirts with you and makes some suggestive comments but doesn’t follow up. Plenty of women love to flirt and find it lots of fun, but it doesn’t mean they are interested in you. She may even be using all the attention you lavish on her as a form of entertainment or self-validation. If this is the case, your relationship is unlikely to get off the ground. But don’t panic. It’s not all doom and gloom. I’ll share a couple of techniques with you that might help her see you in a different light.
First, let me share a real-life scenario. My best friend is stunning. She’s got killer looks, a great figure and is an all-round amazing person. Guys always hit on her and ask for a date, but she immediately friend zones almost everyone. Why? Well, she has a bit of a fetish and is only interested in British men. It sounds weird, I know, but she can’t get enough of a posh English accent. All these amazing American men don’t even get a look in. She is super friendly and enjoys their company but won’t take the relationship further because she feels no sexual attraction.
With any woman, if you happen to contradict what she finds attractive, it’s going to be hard to make any progress. For instance, if you’re a tall, skinny build but she’s into bodybuilders, then things don’t look promising. Likewise, if you’re a high-flying businessman, but she’s into chilled out yoga types, then there’s going to be no spark to light her fire. I could list at least a hundred more, but you get the picture. The blunt truth is if you’re not her type, the friend zone is where you’re going to stay.
Now, perhaps this doesn’t reflect your situation. If you know for a fact that she’s dated your type before then, there’s hope. However, to change the situation, you’ll need to figure out where you strayed off the path to romance and ended up in Friendsville.
NUMBER TWO – YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY
Somewhere along the line, your behavior made her think of you only as a friend. Although it sounds bad, it might still be fixable. By changing your behavior, you can turn the situation around and break out of the Friend Zone. Here are six tried and tested actions you can take to make her start seeing you as boyfriend material.
1. Stay Calm and Deal with Reality.
OK. She said she just wants to be friends. Accept it for the time being, and don’t get desperate. The absolute worst things you can do is beg for a chance to prove yourself. NEVER beg. It makes you look needy and desperate, neither of which women find sexy. Play the friend game for now but pay less attention to her and more attention to yourself.
Speaking of reality, taking a good long look at yourself and asking if you are satisfied is always a good idea. Perhaps you’ve not been getting as much exercise lately, a few too many meals out. Or you’ve never got back on top of your looks since lockdown. There are always opportunities for self-improvement. Don’t feel guilty; investing effort into yourself over others is good for your self-esteem and mental well-being. If you’re feeling a little sluggish, you can give your diet an overhaul and get more exercise. The greater the confidence you have in yourself, the greater the confidence others will have in you too.
3. Hang Out
How are you spending time with the girl you like? Are you treating her to fancy meals and spoiling her with gifts? Are you acting like a couple without physical intimacy? If she has asked for friendship, then that is what you need to deliver. Start doing ordinary day to day friend things rather than acting like a boyfriend with no benefits. Why not try shopping together? Women love to help, so ask for advice on choosing some new clothes. You’ll get a feel for what she likes, and you might even start to generate a little jealousy if you mention you need a new look for dating…. Shopping is also an excellent opportunity for some “accidental” physical contact. Don’t go overboard; less is absolutely more, but touching her shoulder to help her avoid an obstacle or reaching over her to get an item from a high shelf are good options. You’ll win big on manners and leave a lasting impression.
4. The More the Merrier
Obviously, you love her company and enjoy spending time with her but hanging out as a couple is getting you nowhere. Why not try hanging out with a group of friends instead. She might not have realized you’re boyfriend material yet, but when she sees you flirting with other women and getting a positive response, things might change. Sometimes it takes the thought of losing something to make you realize just how good it is.
You might find it difficult to flirt with other women in her presence, especially if you have declared your feeling for her but trust me and persevere. Honestly, what have you got to lose? If she is genuinely your friend, she will be happy for you to meet other women. Who knows, she might even introduce you to the love of your life.
So, never, EVER, let her think you’re willing to wait around forever. It has the same effect as begging and reduces your chances even further. Instead, show her you’re happy as friends and are ready to move on to find romance. When she realizes other women are totally into you, she might even start doing the chasing…
5. Tricks of the Trade
This one comes straight from the pickup artist playbook, but that’s because it works. Initiate the occasional moment of physical contact. Nothing overtly sexual or inappropriate though. Any contact should be casual or “accidental”. Like momentarily touching her arm when you’re telling a story. The key to getting this right is gauging her reaction. If she flinches or moves away, that is definitely not a good sign. You’re probably wasting your time hoping to build a relationship. On the other hand, if she seems comfortable or initiates contact herself, then things are looking up.
In all likelihood, this is the area that is causing you the most problems and is what put you on the road to Friendsville. Sexual tension and sexual attraction are what drives a relationship, well in the early days at least. Create some intimacy, express your interest and build some sexual tension. Pay her compliments, gently tease her or use light-hearted innuendo. Try to avoid subjects that might offend, such as weight, age or body shape. Play it safe. For example, if she’s cut her hair, let her know it looks great or if she wears a new perfume, tell her it smells super sexy.
You’ll need to be observant and look for changes in her behavior that indicate you’re heading in the right direction. If she starts to initiate more contact, flirts or shows signs of jealousy when you’re with other women, these are all good signs. Pay attention and make sure you react to any cues she gives you. She’s probably not going to initiate anything herself, so it will be up to you to read the mood and make a move when she gives the green light.
NUMBER THREE – FRIENDSHIP WITH HIDDEN BENEFITS
Sometimes things don’t work out the way we’d like. If you’ve pulled out all the stops and you’re still firmly parked in Friendsville, then that’s going to be where you stay. In this case, you need to accept and value the friendship but realize it will never be anything more. Make a personal decision to move on and leave your romantic feelings for her behind. It won’t be easy, but it gives you control of the situation. Forget about the “what if’s”, “maybe I could”, or “if I just wait long enough”. Give it up and try to move on emotionally. Hanging around while she dates other men and uses you for emotional support might work out great for her, but it will only cause you pain.
Why not try leveraging your friendship instead. Surely, she’ll want to see you happy and will be glad to introduce you to her friends or colleagues. All her friends will already know what a great guy and good friend you are. That means the hard yards are done, and all you need to do is live up to expectations. Be confident, create a little sexual tension and make sure you stay well clear of the friend zone this time!